yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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