Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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