I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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