I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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