I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
