WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
