Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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