just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
