The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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