haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
