I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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