Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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