the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
