When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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