Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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