this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
