Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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