I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
