You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
