Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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