saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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