that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize