No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize