My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
