Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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