there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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