I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Who died my cat blue again?
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