Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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