I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
