I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
