you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
