she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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