Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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