Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
