She is in my trunk
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
