I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize