I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
