Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You can't just leave with hair like that
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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