I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The beer is more important than you right now.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
