Define "chronic" masturbator.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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