I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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