Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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