Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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