I could make wine with my vomit
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
