Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
