I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
