I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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