How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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