No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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