I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
