the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Randomize
