mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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