I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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