I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize