I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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