I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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