flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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