Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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