It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
